


Wish You Were Here

by txorakeriak



Category: Hornblower (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Spoilers, Tissue Warning, sap, woe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 20:24:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3742471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/txorakeriak/pseuds/txorakeriak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had promised Archie, then, that he would never leave him again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wish You Were Here

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hils](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hils/gifts).



> Spoilers for "Mutiny" and "Retribution".
> 
> This ficlet presumes that Horatio and Archie were not lovers during the movies, not because they don't have any feelings for each other but because Horatio doesn't know how to explain or define them and Archie doesn't dare to take the step.

Horatio couldn't sleep. Restlessly, he turned around in his hammock again and again, trying to bring himself into a position which would finally end his torment and make him fall asleep, but his phase of deep sleep was already over and not even the _Retribution_ , rocking softly like a cradle, could change that.  
  
He had been acquitted of the mutiny at the end of his court-martial and was now on his way back to England to get back into service and receive new orders. The assembly of the Admiralty at Kingston had given him a chance to start a new life; a great gain, but an even greater loss at the same time. He only became fully aware of it now - not because the night was rather chilly and he froze in his nightshirt and in the rather thin blanket. Not because he was alone in the cabin and there was nobody to talk to, nobody to distract him from the events aboard the _Renown_ flashing before his mental eye, over and over again.  
  
No - it was because he felt dead inside now that his reason for living had been taken away from him.

Captain Sawyer had vowed to destroy him, had prophesied his downfall, his ruin. Despite all the man's efforts, Horatio was still alive - and if his common sense didn't betray him, a commission was awaiting him back in England. And yet, a crippled hawk was a useless one, incapable of survival. Horatio had serious doubts concerning his ability to serve the Navy the way he had done before. He was in desperate need of a chance to prove to himself - more than anyone else - that Sawyer, regardless of how much he had damaged him, hadn't won the fight in the end.

He wouldn't let a dead man rule over his future as he had ruled over his past. He had to break free from him, from his memories, had to leave the past behind and concentrate on the future. He couldn't allow himself to give any less than his very best, couldn't afford to be a liability to his superiors and - should he indeed be given a captain's commission on arrival in Plymouth - couldn't risk the lives of his crew and comrades just because he was incapable of leaving the past behind and concentrating on the future. Failure would prove Sawyer right, and even though the man was dead and buried, Horatio refused to give him the satisfaction.

 _It's the future that concerns me, Horatio._  
  
And that was exactly it. No matter what Horatio forced himself to think about, which piece of the jigsaw puzzle that was his memory he focused on, it all came back to Archie. Archie, who had been his best friend on Earth, his only loyal companion, who had never left his side and gone through fire and pain with him and not just bathed in the shadows of Horatio's victories. Archie, with whom he had shared every thought, every problem, every opinion and who had always been there for him. Archie, whom he missed so greatly, even though it had only been a day since they had said goodbye. He owed it to Archie to carry on, to fight, else everything his friend had done for him would have been for nothing.  
   
Horatio refused to acknowledge that Archie was dead, because he couldn't be, he wasn't allowed to be, but while his heart clung to hope, his brain focused on logic and reason as it had always done, and he knew there were no other options. Either, his friend had died from his severe bullet wound by now, or he had recovered only to be brought to the gallows, to hang for the capital crime of mutiny of which he wasn't even guilty, even though he had heard Archie insist on it in front of the assembly.  
  
The irony of the situation was driving Horatio insane, and never in his life, not even in the narrow, dark, dirty hole that was the Spanish prison had he felt more alone, angry, and helpless.  
  
Horatio remembered so much about Archie, had kept so many memories of him in his heart, and  every single one of them had become a dagger, ripping him up from the inside and leaving him bleeding, hurting, empty, like a shadow among the living.  
  
He would do anything to see Archie flash him that characteristic smile again, that smile which he had first seen when he had set foot on the _Justinian_ , lively blue eyes glowing in anticipation of a better life aboard. The smile that had started it all - their companionship, their friendship.  
  
He would give everything he possessed for the chance to hear Archie's voice again, the cheerful, exuberant intonation that made everything better in an instant, like way back when Archie told Horatio about the French king's execution and Horatio was so enthralled that for a while he stopped thinking about Clayton and the guilt that was nagging at him for his role in the kind-hearted, gin-soaked midshipman's death.  
  
He was even prepared to give his life just to feel the warmth of Archie's body again, recalling all too perfectly how Archie had been trembling beneath Horatio's hands after his suicide attempt. He couldn't bear to lose him then, couldn't imagine not having him right by his side always, and while his friend was slowly recovering amidst soft and warm cushions and blankets, Horatio hadn't dared to leave the room without the explicit order to do so.

He had promised Archie, then, that he would never leave him again.  
  
Now Archie had left Horatio.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published on 13th-Aug-2005 01:14 pm.


End file.
